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SeinfeldisKindaOk

5.56 smoke Haji every day

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18th July 2008

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#1 9 years ago
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Pocket Tazer > Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!



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#2 9 years ago

[COLOR=black][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black](NEW YORK) — Woody Allen agreed Monday to a $5 million settlement in his lawsuit accusing a trendy clothing company of using an image parodying him as a rabbi without his permission.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]Both sides announced the settlement — to be paid by American Apparel's insurance company — on the morning a trial was to start in federal court in Manhattan.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]Reading from a statement outside court, Allen said he hoped the outcome "would discourage American Apparel or anyone else from ever trying such a thing again."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]American Apparel president Dov Charney told reporters it wasn't his decision to settle. The company's insurance company "controlled the defense" in the case, he said.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]"I'm not sorry of expressing myself," he said.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]Allen, 72, sued the clothier last year for $10 million after the advertisements turned up on billboards in Hollywood and New York, and on a Web site. Using a frame from the film "Annie Hall," the ads depicted Allen as a Hasidic Jew — long beard, side curls, black hat — and featured Yiddish text meaning "the holy rebbe."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]Court papers filed on Allen's behalf had described the actor-director as one of the most influential figures in the history of American film, and say he believes maintaining strict control over his image has been critical to his success.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]The papers claimed Allen hasn't done commercials in the United States since 1960s, when he was a struggling standup comic. The billboards, he says, falsely implied he endorsed a clothing line known for its racy advertising — a "blatant misappropriation and commercial use of Allen's image."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]American Apparel lawyers have called the $10 million demand "outrageous," especially since the billboards were taken down after a week. They also have threatened to call Allen's former longtime companion, actress Mia Farrow, and his current wife, Soon-Yi Previn, as witnesses to show that his image has already been devalued by scandal. Previn is Farrow's adopted daughter.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]Farrow starred in several of Allen's movies, including "Crimes and Misdemeanors." Their relationship ended in 1992, when she discovered he was having an affair with Previn, then 22.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]On Monday, Allen blasted American Apparel, calling their First Amendment defense "sheer nonsense," and accusing of it of trying "to smear me."[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]Charney insisted there were no hard feelings, saying the billboards were misunderstood.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=black]"We would never try to malign the dignity of Mr. Allen," he said. "I have respect for Mr. Allen. ... I hope to meet him on more friendly terms at a different point."[/COLOR]



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#3 9 years ago
Commissar MercZ

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#4 9 years ago
Professor Dr. Scientist;4930250 HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I found them!