The Adventures of Mr. Spam. 13 replies

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DarthParrot

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#1 10 years ago
CHAPTER I The Beginning

There once was a man named Mr. Spam. Mr. Spam was a nice man who occasionally decided to eat ham, but as long as it was followed by spam. Ever since he was a boy Mr. Spam liked to eat ham and spam, but the government however did not like his excessive consumption of spam, because it was hamming up the economy. So they one day they decided to put an end to Mr. Spam, so they sent Agent Fran to his house and made it go BAM.

Luckily the man known as Mr. Spam was not in his house that day, for he was at the market again purchasing much more ham and spam to fry in a pan. When Mr. Spam got to his house, he had discovered that it had gone BAM and thought to himself, "Shit, I left the gas on again..."

Back at Washington, the government man was, of course, very mad at Agent Fran for failing to kill the man known as Mr. Spam. So they sent a deadly assassin ninja named Mojo Han. Mr. Han was a bright young whippersnapper who clearly despised ham and spam and could not even stand those who would take ham and spam in hand and fry it in a pan. So he immediately went to work with finding a way to cleverly dispatch of the despised man known as Mr. Spam. Unfortunately for Mr. Han, Mr. Spam was even cleverer.

Unbenounced to Mr. Han, Agent Fran and the Government Man, Mr. Spam was an offspring of NEDM - who is a big fan of frying ham and spam in a pan. So when Mr. Mojo Han came to defeat the man known as Mr. Spam, Mr. Mojo Han was instantly annihilated by NEDM's friggin laser beam eyes.

Mr. Spam lives another day to fry another pack of ham and spam in a pan. Evil still lurks in the darkness however, as the ones known as Agent Fran and the Government Man plot and plan for the demise of the one man, known as Mr. Spam.




DarthParrot

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#2 10 years ago

CHAPTER II Battle Brews

Agent Fran and the Government man had finally come up with both a plot and plan to destroy to one man known as Mr. Spam. They were very secretive about their plot and plan to kill Mr. Spam, so secretive that they didn't even tell interviewing narrators holding fans who were trying to write the story of Mr. Spam.

Meanwhile, Mr. Spam stood before his stove the only appliance left working in the ruins of his home. He took the ham and spam that he'd purchased from the land in hand and fried it in a pan, when suddenly his father appeared before him and graced his very stove.

"Mr. Spam." Said NEDM, "I have grave news for you, news come from the highest order, from the almighty ceiling cat himself!."

"What dost thou say?" Mr. Spam asked concerned.

"Your enemies, Agent Fran and the Government Man are coming up with a plot and plan to destroy the very fabrics of the space time continuum that make up yourself Mr. Spam."

"Oh fuck..."

"Fear not, for the almighty lol council in the sky is devising it's own counter plot and plan to demolish this threat to the world of Ham and Spam. Though we're afraid that our efforts may not be enough."

"What dost though mean?"

"You Mr. Spam, you must join in this epic battle of good and evil, you must learn the ways of Shoop Da Whoop himself!"

"But Shoop Da Whoop hasn't been seen for years! Not ever since Limecat banished him because he accidentally shooped in an enclosed area on Mt. Olympus!"

"Mistakes have been made in the past, but Spamkind needs Mr. Shoop now more than ever. It is your job to find him and learn as much as you can."

"But where can I find Mr. Shoop oh great NEDM?"

"Take a Roflcopter, fly past the Misty mountains and over the leaves of WTF forest. Once you get to noob plateau, you must complete your journey on foot. Beware Mr. Spam, for noob plateau is a dangerous world filled with many leet speakers and hackers of all kinds, you must battle your way through them until you reach the cave of Shoop Da Whoop, from there you are on your own. Take much Ham and Spam with you, for it will be a long and treacherous journey. Take this as well, let this be your light in the darkness of noobs."

NEDM graces Mr. Spam by handing him the most beautiful diamond he's ever seen.

"Take care Mr. Spam, return to me once you have completed this task."

Mr. Spam watched as the great NEDM phased out of his existence into a bright flash of light, suddenly he was gone.

"Now where the hell am I supposed to find a freakin' ROFLCOPTER?"




DarthParrot

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#3 10 years ago
CHAPTER III ROFLCOPTER

Mr. Spam took up all the Ham and Spam that he could find in his house in hand and packed it in a flannel pack along with his favorite pan. He then set out to find a Roflcopter for his great journey.

Roflcopters are quite elusive these days; ever since the Government Man rose to power the flow of lulz has seemingly come to a standstill. It will be quite difficult to find, let alone purchase a Roflcopter.

Mr. Spam searched high and low throughout the towering metropolis of failville. The city during it's golden years used to be called Epicwinaville, but ever since the noobinites and manatees invaded during the great war, all has just not been the same. The town was completely overrun and was immediately renamed \lololyousafailville\. The leftover citizens just could not handle it, eventually a bright young general named The Government Man rose up and led the revolution to dispel those evil invaders, but the win was to easy. Within a day the noobinites and manatees were expelled, leading some to believe that General Government Man orchestrated the whole sheboygan. No one has lived long enough to prove such claims, for anyone who dared raise the question was immediately BANished to the Noobinite realm and was never, heard from, again...

For sake of elegance, the name was shortened to "Failville" as a reminder of what might happen if we were to overthrow The Government Man. He's assumed power over us all and claims that he's protecting us from the noobinites, but in truth he lets them slip past our borders and spread fear throughout our numbers. A fear which he uses to keep our forces at bay.

Perhaps now with the help of Shoop Da Whoop, the proud citizens of the former Epicwinaville along with the mighty lol council in the sky may finally be able to once and for all overthrow the grotesque dictatorship that is the Government Man.

Mr. Spam finally came upon a used Rofl lot. He walked through the aisles upon aisles of assorted Rofl vehicles, all slowly collecting dust and mold as the dark ages drew on. Suddenly, a tall man in a striped outfit excitedly leaped out of the sales building and landed directly in front of Mr. Spam.

"Himyname'sStanhowouryouI'mfinewelcometoourusedroflemporium!" He was speaking so fast that Mr. Spam could barely understand a word he said - he obviously hasn't had any customers in a while and is excited about the appearance of Mr. Spam. "InalloffailvillewehavethebestRoflcarsRolfcartsRoflwagonsandRoflcopters-"

"Wait-"

"-RolfrocketsRoflwafflesandyou'llevengetacomplimentarytankofwinwitheverypurchase!"

"Ok but-"

"Socomeonin!Thewater'sfinehereatWackyStan'sstupendouslymagnificantUsedRoflEmporium!"

He stopped with a big giant grin on his face while trying to catch his breath.

"You said you have Roflcopters here?" droned Mr. Spam in a rather annoyingly tired tone.

"Of Course! Come this way sir!" Said Stan in a much more understandable tone.

The dusty wind blew and sun beated down on them as they came upon a certainly magnificent sight. A glorious Rofcopter, still somehow managing to retain a shimmer of win as the sunlight grazed it's hull plating. Suddenly they heard a loud laughing sound from behind them. Mr. Spam turned to see what the rumpus was all about.

"Oh ignore that." Advised Stan, "That's just the Soviet Russian Roflcopters laughing at us, nothing to be alarmed about. 'Cept if they're laughing at you in the heat of battle, then you should be worrying."

"Heh, I'll keep that in mind. Anyways, this here Rolfcopter appears to have much lulz, how much are you selling it for?"

"1,000,000 Reps or a song 'n dance."

'Damn, I left all my E-peen back at the lodge - time for plan B.' Mr. Spam thought to himself, "A song 'n dance you say?"

"Yeah well... As you can see we haven't had any customers here for a really long time, so long that we still have a few business practices left from the old showboating era. So literally a good song and dance for my businesses entertainment will buy you this here Roflcopter - you wouldn't happen to know any good melodies would you?"

"Of course I do!"

Mr. Spam whipped out a dancing cane and striped outfit.

Ba da bada ba ba!

Chocolate Rain! Some stay dry and others feel the pain Chocolate Rain A baby born will die before the sin

Chocolate Rain The school books say it can't be here again Chocolate Rain The prisons make you wonder where it went

Chocolate Rain Build a tent and say the world is dry Chocolate Rain Zoom the camera out and see the lie

Chocolate Rain Forecast to be falling yesterday Chocolate Rain Only in the past is what they say

Chocolate Rain Raised your neighborhood insurance rates Chocolate Rain Makes us happy 'livin in a gate

Chocolate Rain Made me cross the street the other day Chocolate Rain Made you turn your head the other way

Chocolate Rain History quickly crashing through your veins Chocolate Rain Using you to fall back down again

Chocolate Rain Seldom mentioned on the radio Chocolate Rain Its the fear your leaders call control

Chocolate Rain Worse than swearing worse than calling names Chocolate Rain Say it publicly and you're insane

Chocolate Rain No one wants to hear about it now Chocolate Rain Wish real hard it goes away somehow

Chocolate Rain Parrot has inserted an extra line Chocolate Rain Lets see who here will read the whole thing

Chocolate Rain Makes the best of friends begin to fight Chocolate Rain But did they know each other in the light?

Chocolate Rain Every February washed away Chocolate Rain Stays behind as colors celebrate

Chocolate Rain The same crime has a higher price to pay chocolate Rain The judge and jury swear it's not the face

Chocolate Rain Dirty secrets of economy Chocolate Rain Turns that body into GDP

Chocolate Rain The bell curve blames the baby's DNA Chocolate Rain But test scores are how much the parents make

Chocolate Rain 'Flippin cars in France the other night Chocolate Rain Cleans the sewers out beneath Mumbai

Chocolate Rain 'Cross the world and back its all the same Chocolate Rain Angels cry and shake their heads in shame

Chocolate Rain Lifts the ark of paradise in sin Chocolate Rain Which part do you think you're 'livin in?

Chocolate Rain More than 'marchin more than passing law Chocolate Rain Remake how we got to where we are

Stan the salesman stood in aw.

"That, my good sir, was epic; this machines all yours."

"Why thank you Mr. Salesman." Said Mr. Spam while donning his hat, "Have a good day and may the lulz be with you!"

The rotors of the Roflcopter began to spin as Mr. Spam climbed aboard. The sound of the lulz emanating from the rotor disc nearly blotted out Stan the salesman's voice.

"Good day Sir, and good luck in your travels!"

Mr. Spam steadily rose from the ground and blasted away. His journey was off to a good start, but he decided that before he left to the Misty Mountains, he should probably head back to his house real quick and pick up his E-peen. Never know when that might come in handy.




Dot Com

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#4 10 years ago

What a shitty adventure. I want my money back.




DarthParrot

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#5 10 years ago

What do you not like about it?




Lord Rumpuss V VIP Member

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#6 10 years ago

HoLY crap that's too long but...mmkay...Effort.

Cant rep you tho.


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DarthParrot

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#7 10 years ago
Wasturr;4508723HoLY crap that's too long but...mmkay...Effort.

Nah, I was just really bored and decided to write a short story. I've got the whole thing worked out in my head though, so the next few chapters should be pretty easy to write when I have the time. :)




Badha1rday

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#8 10 years ago

Epic win.




Lord Rumpuss V VIP Member

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#9 10 years ago
DarthParrot;4508736Nah, I was just really bored and decided to write a short story. I've got the whole thing worked out in my head though, so the next few chapters should be pretty easy to write when I have the time. :)

I shudder at the thought of you bored out of your skull and making a novel...I imagine the book would be thick enough with pages to kill a man when slapped at the side of the head, given enough force on it, or it could well stop a 9mm slug..screw that!! make that a 45. cal. slug.


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Dragonelf68

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#10 10 years ago

tl;dr


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