People often come up to me and they say "Gee, my life is so full of problems, my girlfriend is fat and my facebook friends go offline when I try and talk to them. Mike Oxlong, how do you live such a satisfying life with no problems and manly sideburns that flow like the Mississippi?"
While the sideburns certainly do play a part in my greatness, the truth is I learned long ago the secrets (Passed down to me by ancient Swiss wizards) to solving any problem with one of three simple solutions.
- Set up shotguns
To arrange shotguns in such a way with a mechanism that fires when anything encroaches it's kill-zone.
- Wrap it in bubblewrap
To encase an object in an impenetrable cover of bubblewrap, an ancient Swiss armor. or
- Just Sand it.
To scrub with sandpaper with the intent of smoothing out or removing the outer layer.
Beware however, that if these solutions are used in the wrong situation that dire consequences will occur. For instance, a man once consulted me about his intention on having consensual intercourse with an appropriately aged woman who happens to have had an STD. Foolishly, he chose the third option, "Just Sand It", which resulted in blood, giggling and a floor full of herpes crumbs. The correct choice was obviously "Wrap your dick in bubblewrap", which would have proved sufficient to have shielded him from acquiring the foul disease.
To avoid such a fate befalling any that read this, I will open myself to instruct you on how to go about using the 3 Solutions in making your life as bootiliciously fantastic as mine. Simply post whatever the problem with your life is at this point, and I'll teach you how to solve it like a Life-Champion.
Fortune doesn't spend enough time in the Spam Forum. How do I solve this?
redgroupclan;5579061Fortune doesn't spend enough time in the Spam Forum. How do I solve this?
While it may seem that you should encase the Spam Forum in Bubblewrap while Fortune is inside of it, this is not the most logical solution to this problem. A better fix is to setup shotguns all along the perimeter of the Spam Forum, eliminating any chance for Fortune to escape.