"GET DOWN!!" *BOOM!* "Ahhhhh!" "Medic! We need a medic!" "All personnel disengage! Fall back!" *BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!* "Bombers incoming!" *KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!* "This is Sergeant Razzmatazz requesting air support at point...3827! Enemy forces are heavily armed! Bombers are tearing our forces apart!" "Fall ba--" "LOOK OUT!!!" *BOOM!* Then I woke up. My alarm clock read 5:10 a.m. 15 minutes earlier than I normally wake up. "Why do I keep waking up early?" I asked myself. I turned off my alarm, and sluggishly squirmed my way out of bed. I grabbed my clothes, and looked at my bed. The sheets lay a mess. "I'll straighten them out later," I thought. I trudged to the shower. It was a morning like any other. I took a shower, ate breakfast, and headed to school. My eyes were feeling heavy. Waking up too early was becoming a bad problem. To keep from falling asleep, I popped in the headphones to my MP3 player and listened to The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson. It's quite the infectious song. After what seemed like miles and miles of travel, I finally got to school. The drowsiness was fading away once I was able to walk around. The day went by pretty quickly. Before I knew it, I was already at the end of fourth period Advanced Studies English. A quick 25 minutes to hang out with my friends at lunch, and on to fifth period. Fifth period history class; truly a commendable class, mainly because it rarely has homework. So many classes this year have almost no homework. "If Math and English could GTFO, I'd be doing some smooth sailing," I often thought. History class ran its course like any other day - or so I thought. One seemingly innocent trip to throw a paper in the recycling bin took a strange turn for the mysterious. As I let go of the paper over the recycling bin, it quickly declined to reach floor-level. It was acting like any other paper destined to be reused to save the environment, until suddenly, without a second thought, it slyly swerved into the trash can next to the recycling bin. "Huh, that's a twist of fate," I thought. Not caring enough to relocate the paper to the recycling bin, I let the paper sit in the trash can. I returned to my seat and sat in my normal unhealthy slouching position that's sure to give me scoliosis some day. At 2:23 p.m., the bell rang. The halls were overflowing with students ready to get out of school, and I was among them. On the way home, I started to think about what happened in fifth period. Why did that happen? What is a sign from God? Was it a sign from God himself? Was he trying to tell me something? I tried to wrap my mind around the possibility that God was telling me not to save the planet. "What does it mean??" I thought. "Was I chosen to deliver a message from God that we aren't worth saving?" Surely that couldn't be the case. "No, no, no. I must be speculating nonsense." That's when I came up with a new theory. "The paper, it went into the 'destroy the planet' bin instead of the 'save the planet' bin.' It all makes sense now...it was clearly the work of...THE DEVIL!" What does the devil has against us? What did we ever do to him? One thing's for certain - the devil is an asshole. As I got home, I rushed into my room and threw aside my backpack. I laid a large sheet of paper in front of me. It was time to make a plan. A plan to kill the devil. Idea after idea, I tried to formulate ways to destroy the god of all evil. No idea was good enough! I needed to think outside the box! I got a map of hell from the Activision website. Now I had something to work with. I began to draw arrows and notes all over the map. "Sneak in behind the devil through this secret back door." "Aim rocket launcher at this stalagmite." Next to it was some math I did to calculate what angle and position I needed to shoot a rocket from to make sure the stalagmite would fall directly on the devil. Making sure the stalagmite still had most of its mass was of the upmost importance. After a day, I had developed the perfect plan for taking down the devil. It was time to take action. I equipped myself with a backup chain gun to shoot the devil to a pulp just in case he had some sort of invincibility against being crushed by giant sharp rocks. After it, I grabbed my rocket launcher. Engraved on the side of it, "God's Will". "Never again will the devil keep anyone from saving the planet," I told myself. I rolled up a red bandana, ran it across my forehead and tied it around my head. The bandana had a menacing black pattern on it. Rocket launcher in hands and chain gun across my back, I began my quest to hell. The journey was long and hard. It took several months. Several months of perilous travels and dangers, over mountains and treacherous terrains. In the end, at long last, I made it to the gates of hell. I threw some holy water on them, causing them to corrode and disintegrate in a matter of seconds. I carefully entered through the hole I made. I entered a desolate, pitch black cave. I lit a flare so I could see where I was going. "Look for the third brick hanging out of the right wall," I reminded myself. After walking a few yards crouched over, I found what I was looking for. I pushed in on the large brick, and just like the map instructions said, a secret door opened. "The back door to hell," I thought. I traversed for hundreds of yards crouched over, when my flare began to reach the end of it's lifetime. Skulls laid all along the sides of the cave, telling me I better not be in there when the light runs out. A few minutes later, "wshh." My flare goes out. Panic ensued. This panic was short-lived, however, as just 20 feet forwards I saw a bright orange glow illuminating from under what seemed to be a door. I crept up to the door, and slowly pushed it open. What was on the other side of that door was pure amazement. A never ending realm of rocks, stalagmites, fires, lava, all under the spell of an orange ambient lighting. As I gazed at the never-before-seen sight, a demon approached. I closed the door, leaving it cracked open. I looked through the crack and the grotesquely large demon passed by with heaving breathing and snarling. A sigh of relief came from me. I slowly opened the door again. "There he is," I thought in a grim tone. The devil himself, sitting in his big and menacing throne only 10 yards away. I got on one knee, and began to load God's Will with a thousand cans of whoop-ass. I was only able to bring 3 rockets, so I had to make this shot count. Carefully, I aimed up at the stalagmite hanging above the devil. My crosshair centered directly on the middle of the top. He sat in his throne, laughing quietly to himself, unknowing of what was about to happen. "Now!" I shouted in my head. I pulled the trigger of God's Will, and faster than the speed of sound, a smoke cloud shoots out the back and a rocket bursts out of a fire in the front. *WWWHHHRRRR!* After making a startled sound, the devil shot a glance behind his throne to me. *BOOM!* As soon as he looked up, a thousand pounds of sharpened rock came pounding down on him. I stay still, still bent on one knee. Was it a success? I had to wait for the dust cloud to dissipate to get my answer. Seconds go by. The slowest 15 seconds of my life. Finally, the cloud disappears. What I see in its place - a dead devil. "FUCK YEAH!! THAT'S FOR MAKING MY PAPER GO INTO THE TRASH CAN, ASSHOLE!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Hundreds of demons turn their heads toward me. My heart sank. I tried to back into the door, but it wouldn't open. I pushed on it frantically. It wouldn't budge. The demons were approaching me. As fast as I could, I loaded another rocket into God's Will. I aimed for the largest concentration, and shot off a rocket. *BOOM!* Demons went flying. They were getting closer. I loaded another rocket, and took aim. *BOOM!* More demons went flying. Hundreds were still approaching. I threw aside God's Will, focused on survival. I pulled the chain gun over my shoulder and stood up. *R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R* One by one, more and more demons fell. I needed to get out. Using what I remembered of the map of hell, I ran northwest towards the nearest exit gate while unleashing more and more rounds onto the pursuing demons. Yard after yard, I kept running, shooting, plowing through demons. Whether I would make it out alive or not was in the unknown. I didn't think about that. I just kept running, never lifting my finger off the trigger for more than a few seconds. I needed to survive. The situation was worsening. As I ran deeper into hell, more demons began to chase me, and I was running low on ammo and stamina. Finally, I had to stop. I bent over, gasping for breath. I sucked it up, position my chain gun in front of me, and began shooting. *R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R* Unleashing a fury upon the pursuers, I shouted to the heavens. Slowly I began walking backwards, trying to reach the gate without giving the enemy a moment of relief from my fire. Nearly a minute went by. All of the sudden, my back hits some metal poles. I look behind, my sight crawling up, admiring the great proportion of the gate. The gate fills me with hope. I laugh to myself and continue shooting. *R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R--chk-chk-chk-chk* I was out of ammo. I hesitated, and threw the chain gun at the demons. The holy water was my last chance at survival. I threw some on the gates, causing a part of it to disintegrate. I jump through the rigid hole and run. Running, running, running, I don't stop running through the dimly lit cave for almost 2 minutes. Eventually, I have to stop. My body was screaming at me. I'm bent over gasping for air with my hands on my knees when I hear something. "Oh no...," I said. A demon was still chasing after me. I let out a breath, stand up straight, and pull the vial of holy water out of my pocket. The demon was getting closer. I casually took the cork out of the top, and threw it aside. The demon came from around the corner, revealing itself to me. That mistake would soon prove to be his last. As soon as I saw him, I unleashed a handful of holy water on him. He fell down, screeching. I walked forward, and stood over him. He looked up at me in fear. I would show no mercy. I spoke to him. "The power of Christ compels you, bitch." "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" A screeching echoes through the cave, and then, silence. I tossed aside the empty vial, and started my journey out of the cave. After recalling everything that happened that day, I had a smug sense of satisfaction. By the end of the day, the boy who started out the day as a normal high school student was a devil-slaying machine who fought his way through hell and beyond.
Paragraphs are cool.
But still, nice story, you're impressing me daily
Do I win the award for longest Spam Forum post with actual content yet?
In terms of pure inches of length, probably.
You've been demoted RGC. You are now a normal spammer. Congratulations.
Faktrl is Best Pony
10th September 2007
^Wrong, a true spammer wouldn't care about other opinions of his spam to make him feel good about his spam. A true spammer just spams for the sake of spamming!
"I'd shush her zephyr." ~ Zephyr.
Well either way, he's no longer a fag in any way, shape, or form.
Bawk_Bawk_Iz_a_Parrot;5424509You've been demoted RGC. You are now a normal spammer. Congratulations.
RGC is not a fag.