26th September 2005
The Squirrel War has never ended, and it most likely never will. These are the stories of my dangerous adventures into the war zone. Basically, all us humans have in our control are the cities that have relatively few trees, and there are scattered bases in the suburbs where the cities have been overrun. One who has his head screwed on straight will not venture into the forests. It is Squirrel territory. From the aerial view, it is easy to determine the location of a squirrel tree-base.
I have also included a sketch of what is left of my home. It is now the main military base in Georgia.
There is a driveway in which reinforcements arrive on a *monthly* basis due to low numbers of Homo-sapiens around here. The entire house is surrounded by an electric fence, our only defense at the moment. We have snipers positioned around the perimeter, but squirrels keep out of their sights. Our garden is our one source of food. Lately, a certain squirrel, believed to be more powerful than any other squirrel ever seen, has been raiding this garden. IT MUST BE STOPPED. This is my mission.
I was given sniper duty today. The job really blows. All you can do is lie low for your 5-hour shift, while risking your ass to nut bombs from the above pine trees. I have included an illustration of what these look like below.
These fuckers are deadly. Each sack is filled with two nuts, usually from a walnut tree. It is then tied together with a bit of string or squirrel fur fiber, and then it is thrown by assassin squirrels at hapless humans. A headshot is extremely deadly.
I was issued a Remington Rifle with a scope affixed. I was given 10 bullets, which was more than enough for the day, considering most snipers never even see a squirrel, and if they do, a nut bomb, also known as a nut sack, is usually headed towards your face. I took my position outside and a laid myself down. I prepared for a long day.
Then I saw it.
It was definitely a nut-gatherer for the squirrels. It was unarmed, yet it carried the squirrel-form of Ebola, which had devastated the human population at the beginning of the war. The disease was harmless to them, but deadly to us. I slowly pulled my rifle up, I aimed and I fired.
I felt like a hero. I had killed the first squirrel in over a week. This was indeed a great victory. However, my feelings soon shifted. I heard the perimeter alarm blare. A squirrel had broken in. We had to get out of the area, due to the possibility of the squirrel carrying the Ebola virus. I was lucky to be next to the door, but others were not so lucky.
I do not know what to do. We are locked down inside the clean room. The squirrels by now have gotten into the garden and eaten our supply of food. Only God can save us.
Moved to Spam in any case.
17th March 2006
^exactly. but it gave me a laugh.
You shall never be forgotten!
Who won't be?
Smarter than your average stump.
26th June 2003
Alzheimers must be contagious.
When in doubt, gas it!
I'm sorry, every time i go to post a reply, i have to scroll back up and re-read everything... :(