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FileTrekker Super Administrator

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

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#1 16 years ago

[color=Red]Watch and Learn [/color] Before an important rugby match the English fans and the Welsh fans were travelling together. The English fans noticed that the Welsh boys had only one ticket for six of them. When the ticket inspector was coming, one of the Welsh boys turned to the English fans and said, “Watch and learn.” The Welsh boys crammed themselves into the toilet. The inspector banged on the toilet door saying, “Ticket, please.” The door opened slightly and just one hand, holding a ticket poked through the gap. The ticket inspector punched the ticket and went off happy. After the game, which Wales won, they all met at the Cardiff Station. The English boys bought just one ticket and they were surprised when the Welsh boys didn’t buy a ticket at all. One of the Welsh boys turned to the English fans and said, “Watch and learn.” When they all got on the train, the English lads crammed themselves into the toilet. Two minutes later one of the Welsh boys banged on the door and said, “Ticket, please.” [color=Red]An actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue [/color] Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colorful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system." A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday. Yours Sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations [color=Red]Bob Calls in Sick[/color] Bob calls in to his job: Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work. The boss says: You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that. 2 hours later Bob calls: Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.


Danny King | Editor-in-Chief | GameFront.com 



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#2 16 years ago

[color=Red]What Does Your Father Do For A Living?[/color] Little Johnny was in his 6th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being very quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Johnny, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was just too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." [color=Red]Where does the Irish go for vacation [/color]Q: Where does the Irish go for vacation? A: To a different bar [color=Red]Military guidelines [/color]- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. - Incoming fire has the right of way. - The easy way is always mined. - Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire. - Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. - The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them. - Teamwork is essential - it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. - Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. - When in doubt empty the magazine. - Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. - Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. - Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. - It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. - A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. - Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. - Five second fuses only last three seconds. - Mines are equal opportunity weapons.


Danny King | Editor-in-Chief | GameFront.com 



Sherman2

Meh

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30th October 2004

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#3 16 years ago

[color=red]Watch and Learn [/color]

Before an important rugby match the English fans and the Welsh fans were travelling together. The English fans noticed that the Welsh boys had only one ticket for six of them. When the ticket inspector was coming, one of the Welsh boys turned to the English fans and said, “Watch and learn.”

The Welsh boys crammed themselves into the toilet. The inspector banged on the toilet door saying, “Ticket, please.”

The door opened slightly and just one hand, holding a ticket poked through the gap. The ticket inspector punched the ticket and went off happy.

After the game, which Wales won, they all met at the Cardiff Station. The English boys bought just one ticket and they were surprised when the Welsh boys didn’t buy a ticket at all. One of the Welsh boys turned to the English fans and said, “Watch and learn.”

When they all got on the train, the English lads crammed themselves into the toilet. Two minutes later one of the Welsh boys banged on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

:lol:

[color=red][/color]

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point.

Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colorful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations

...

Bob calls in to his job: Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work.

The boss says: You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Bob calls: Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

:lolpoint:

Little Johnny was in his 6th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

Johnny was being very quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was just too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

*severly hurts idiot who came up with it*

Q: Where does the Irish go for vacation? A: To a different bar

:rofl: Military guidelines -

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. - Incoming fire has the right of way. - The easy way is always mined. - Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire. - Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. - The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them. - Teamwork is essential - it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. - Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. - When in doubt empty the magazine. - Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. - Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. - Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. - It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. - A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. - Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. - Five second fuses only last three seconds. - Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

:lol:




Pethegreat Advanced Member

Lord of the Peach

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19th April 2004

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#4 16 years ago

"mines are equal oppturinity weapons" :rofl: