8th November 2005
I feel like a collection of wasted talents and unfulfilled potential. I'm honestly worried about what I'm going to do with my life. I have no real interests in anything, yet I feel that I could excel at almost anything I want. At my age, most people have an idea about where they should start to go in their lives, even if they don't stick with it. Me? I'm clueless.
I used to have interests. I used to have an idea of what I wanted out of life, back when I was a little kid. Somehow I lost that. It got to the point where I was so depressed that I just stopped giving a fuck about anything, and now that some of that depression has lifted, I'm finding that I still have no real interests in anything I could do with my life. And this lack of interest leads back into depression.
It doesn't help that everyone just has to point out that I should be doing something with my life right now, implying that I'm a worthless failure because I don't know where I want to go in life. And it rubs off on me, greatly lowering my self-esteem and opinion of self-worth. It gets to the point where I get so depressed that I don't see the point of living. Most nights I just lay back and think about suicide. It's a bit worrying, actually, that I think about it almost every single night, and have been thinking about it for years now. I don't know why I haven't actually done it. I've thought it over for so long, and haven't found a single good reason not to.
Go on and call me 'emo' or 'stupid' for feeling this way, if you'd like... I know that many will think of me that way. It's just hard to get past this soul-crushing depression that I've had for various reasons for the past 15 years.