Things you don't want to hear in the imperial guard: Extermina-what? What do you mean orbital Bombardment? There's 4 of us left and we're surrounded by Khorne Beserkers, let's charge them
*officer* Hold the line! (5 squiggoths charge at you) *officer* In the name of the emporer you will not falter! (runs away)
Comissar: Ok lads, we're surounded by orks and we have no ammo left.... lets CHARGE! Guardsmen: Are you nuts? Comissar: Come on! We can take em!
Guard: What this button do "basalisk firs right into a company of space marines" Guard:oh dear Marine Seargent:kill the heretics
Jokes for the imperial guard(And SM;>>), and A little pic :D The Orks are entrenched in fortifications on a battlefield when they hear some shouting from the enemy trenches:
"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" The Orks can't let their 'good' name be slandered, so the Boss sends ten Orks to run to the enemy trench shouting: "'Ere we go". After a couple of minutes the Orks hear a voice shout: "One Space Marine is worth 50 Orks". So the Boss sends fifty Orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts: " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So one hundred Orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. Fifteen minutes later a solitary Ork returns and reports to the Boss: "They cheated, Boss! There was two of 'um!". ________________________________________________________
A squad of Sisters of Battle were all being inserted by drop ship.
The male pilot comes on the radio and says: "We are just entering the system now and will be landing at base alpha zero zero in an hour."
The pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and turns to his male co-pilot and asks: "So what are you going to do when we've landed?"
The co-pilot replies: "Well first, I'm gonna have a huge dump. Three day anti-grav flights don't do my bladder any good. Then I'm gonna go see that new Lt. You know the one with the dark hair and huge breasts. Take her out, wine her, dine her. And then I'm gonna take her to my quarters...." and then proceeded to go into graphical detail of the nights animal-type loving.
The new Lt., horrified at the detail spewing from the speakers about various uses for the butt of the co-pilots plas-pistol, runs down the aisle to switch off the intercom, trips over a Boltgun, and lands flat on her face.
A new recruit sitting opposite turns and says: "Whoa! Calm down, Ma'am! He's got to have that shit first!" _________________________________________________________
A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard and shouts:
"What's this?!? There's a fly in my beer!" He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table three). Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's fly in his beer too! However, when he magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint:
"Oh, no you don't Laddie!" - he growls, as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit it out, spit it out ______________________________________________________________ 101 Uses for a Lasgun
Warming soup. When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ. Disco effects/pyrotechnics. Cigarette lighter. Changing T.V. channels. Selling to get funds for a better weapon. Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage) Using for grave marking for IG troops. Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage) Paperweight. Skeet shooting. A cooking utensil. Looking slightly menacing. Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight. Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly Burning ants
Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:
Space Marine Girl Scouts Sisters of battle Fire Engine Sane World Eaters A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy A Vegetarian Blood Angel An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters A Night Lord sunbathing A plague marine polishing his armour A Tau giving a high-five A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed) A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind The Golden Throne caretakers on strike An assassin, before it's too late... A remote controlled Necron A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only) Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth ____________________________________________________________ Space Marine Commandments: 1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle. 2. Orks are not "cute." 3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons. 4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand. 5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle. 6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar. 7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador. 8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs. 9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin." 10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans) 11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife. 12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin." 13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag." 14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food. 15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed." 16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings. 17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne. 18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control". 19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino. 20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino. 21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs". 22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".______________________________________________________________ *UNIVERSAL PHILOSIPHY* ELDAR: Shit happens DARK ELDAR: We ran off before the shit happened IMPERIAL GUARD: Shit happens with big guns SPACE MARINES: The Emperor will save us from deep shit ULTRAMARINES: Roboute saved the emperor from shit BLOOD ANGELS: DIE YOU SHIT-HEADS!!! DARK ANGELS: We caused shit and have yet to be forgiven CHAOS SPACE MARINES: The Emperor is shit WORLD EATERS: We'll collect skulls so that shit doesn't happen to us. NECRONS: We're gonna cause so much shit to happen that shit will never happen again TAU: Shit will happen to everyone but us ORKS: What is shit? TYRANIDS: This galaxy is our new piece of shit SISTERS OF BATTLE: Male supremacy is a load of shit ________________________________________________________ Best Uses for 40k Races:
Eldar - Road Cones. Tau - That robot butler you always wanted in your room. Imperial Guard - Not useful at all. Space Marine - Personel Protection (just say you are the emperor's cousin). Chaos Space Marine -That bully you never liked. I think you know where I am going. Sisters of Battle - Are you thinking what I am thinking? Dark Eldar - All those goth people that like pain. Orks - Maybe grots will do anything for a cookie. Necrons - I really can't think of anything unless you have a large terminator collection. Tyranids - Turn this bug loose in the resturant you don't like. Demonhunters - That semi-freaky phsycic kid at school most likely named Dean _______________________________________________________ And now for the pic... itll be on a different post
Guardsman: Sir i have noticed that there is a small crack inside the chaos dreadnought and a finely placed grenade would explode the dreadnought!. Officer: Very good we will destroy that Scum!. Guardsman: Thank you sir!. Officer:Oh guardsman.. Guardmans: Yes sir? Officer: I am giving you the fine honor of placing that well placed grenade, My the emperor watch over you.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Hahahaha thys rocks, those jokes are really good haha
Guardmen: Commasar what should we do, sir! Commasar:... Guardsmen: sir? *Guardsmen turn around and sees the Commasar is running away arms waving* Commasar: I faith that you'll win tha battle! *Guardsmen turns around and sees he the only one the rest got the message and headed for the hills* 1 million Orks charge to bunker....
One imperial guardsman standing up from his squad while surrounded by waiting orks shouts: THIS IS MY...BOOMSTICK!!!