Jokes -1 reply

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Dutchman

Schizophrenic Psycho

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4th August 2002

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#1 17 years ago

Tell your jokes, so we can have a good laugh. Don't have to be your own jokes, you can also take 'em from a site...

#1 Three blondes trapped on an island

Three blonds are trapped on an island. They find a lamp, give it a rub and out pops a Genie. The Genie says "I have been trapped in that lamp for 5 thousand years! I will grant each of you a wish for releasing me!". The first blond thinks about it and says "I want to be clever enough to get off this island." The Genie turns her into a brunette and she swims for it. The second blond thinks and says "I want to be clever enough to get off this island." The genie turns her into a brunette and she builds a raft and paddles a way. The third blond says "I want to be more clever than both of those too and still be clever enough to get off this isdland." The Genie turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

#2 Duck Hunting

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any. One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it-- why aren't we getting any ducks?" Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

Tell yours!!!




1DeadlySAMURAI

GF is my bext friend *hugs GF*

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23rd May 2002

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#2 17 years ago

The Honest Assessment?

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.

1DeadlySAMURAI - Project Leader

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A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the oddnumbered lines (1 3, 5, 7,..) for my true assessment of him.




1DeadlySAMURAI

GF is my bext friend *hugs GF*

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#3 17 years ago

Why?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look you know where anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.




Eckie Thump

A True Yorkshire Icon

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8th March 2002

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#4 17 years ago

Two blondes walked into a bar chuckling merrily. They each bought a beer from the bemused barman and sat at a nearby table whereby the started singing "21 Days, 21 Days, 21 Days! " at the top of their voices. They were soon joined by another blonde, who bought a beer from the perplexed barman and joined the other two in the song, "21 Days, 21 Days, 21 Days! " When another blonde comes in and joins them in the singsong the barman has finally had enough. He goes over to the blondes and asks them what the song is all about and why they are so overjoyed. The blondes answer together, full of exitement, " We just finished a jigsaw which stated on it 2-3 years and we did it in 21 Days, 21 Days, 21 Days!




Dutchman

Schizophrenic Psycho

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4th August 2002

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#5 17 years ago

Those are funny :lol::lol::lol:

What about these ones?

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

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A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!"

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll down... Scroll up...




Private_Maestro

I follow teh Moo!

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23rd September 2002

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#6 17 years ago

You know you're drunk when...

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. You fall off the floor...

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

17. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, yet you are fully clothed (other than your missing underwear).

18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.




Private_Maestro

I follow teh Moo!

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#7 17 years ago

Go to www.stickdeath.com , it has some very funny animations !




Deimos

Pierce the Heavens

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#8 17 years ago

I will tell my joke.

There is a blond, a brunett, and a redhead. And they are going to get shot for all the crimes they did. So the executioner calls the brunett up first. He says do you have any last words? "No" says the brunett. So the executioner says ready, aim, and then the brunett shouts TORNADO!!!, then the executioner looks around and the brunett escapes. Then the angry executioner calls up the redhead and says do you have any last words? "No" says the redhead. So the executioner says ready, aim, and then the redhead says EARTHQUAKE!!!, and the executioner looks around and the redhead escapes. Now the very angry executioner calls up the blond. He says do you have any last words? "No" says the blond. So the executioner says ready, aim, then the blond shouts, FIRE!!!.




Dutchman

Schizophrenic Psycho

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4th August 2002

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#9 17 years ago

:lol: :lol: :lol: lmao good one! :lol: :lol: :lol:

What about this one? One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started." Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?" "From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde. The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box." "Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde. "Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."

and this one... A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

and this... One day, a blonde and a brunette were driving to a party and they were speeding because they were late. "Watch out for cops," the brunette said. They drove on for about five minutes when suddenly the blonde said nervously, "I think that's a cop behind us." "Is it after us?" the brunette questioned. "Er, um..." answered the blonde. "Well, is it?" asked the brunette with a growing temper. "I don't know..." "Well are it's lights on?" insisted the brunette. Replied the blonde, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no..."




Deimos

Pierce the Heavens

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27th January 2003

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#10 17 years ago

Lol!!! Good ones :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: