Posted on December 23, 2010, Phil Owen 10 Christmas-Themed Game Spinoffs
Where are our Christmas games? Nobody knows, but that sad situation needs to be rectified. To aid the game publishers in this, Phil and Ross brainstormed up ten holiday-themed game spinoffs that should happen f–king now, damn it.
Ross Lincoln’s games
Uncharted: Naughty and Nice
It’s December 24th. After nearly dying in the escape from Shambala, Nathan Drake is enjoying some well deserved R&R while shopping for last-minute Xmas presents. Unfortunately, fate has other plans. Stopping for a drink to relieve the stress of trying to find a Kinect unit, Drake passes out. He wakes in London, where he’s greeted by a jovial, if tracking-bracelet bedecked Julian Assange who offers him a job he can’t refuse: steal the ultimate Wikileaks coup – the list of everyone who’s been naughty.
The plan is to publish the list of everyone in the US Government and the WTO who made the list, and the payoff for Drake is promised to be huge. Never mind that the chance to finally find out the secret of a certain Dutch bishop with an army of mythical sweatshop workers is too good to pass up. Unfortunately, Nate gets more than he bargained for as it turns out that Assange isn’t the only one seeking the goods. Working through shadowy intermediaries, Krampus has gone rogue and seeks to use the list for his own purposes.
Now Drake is caught in the middle of an information war between total douchebags that spans the globe from the shopping districts of New York to vast wastes of the North Pole. Nate will need to draw on every skill he has – and some coupons he’s been sitting on – to make it out alive.
Rome: Total War – Jo Saturnalia!
It’s December, 102 BC, and everything in Roma is topsy turvy. Slaves can gamble, masters must serve them dinner, the people are celebrating the end of the year with gifts, and the Gauls are planning to invade while everyone in the eternal city is too drunk from Holiday revelries to notice. That must mean it’s Saturnalia, when all good Romans come together to celebrate friendship, family, and the God who ate his own sons.
In this exciting Holiday expansion pack, the world of Rome: Total War gets a yuletide makeover as you plot and scheme against your rivals to dominate the winter holidays through means fair, foul or military, before December 25th, when the Praetorian Guard puts everyone back in their place.
Choose from one of 5 factions (Slaves; Senators; Gauls; The College of Pontiffs and the Merchant class), and strategize wisely during this fast paced scenario set during Rome’s version of Christmas.
- Bread Riots!
- Spread your faction’s influence throughout the city by building altars to Saturn, providing Saturnalia Sales events, or even lavish parties in honor of Saturn. But don’t squander your resources – you might need them to buy soldiers or pay off rapicious hordes in the event of plebian rioting or Gallic invasion.
- If you play as a Senator, at any time, a Slave class unit can try to force your Senatorial unit to serve them in any manner they see fit.
- Gambling (if Slave class) to raise peculium to purchase Freedman’s status.
- Unique units for each class, including Gladiator (Slaves), Sycophant (Senators), and Vestal Vigin (College of Pontiffs).
- Plus a beautifully rendered Rome during the festive season that faithfully recreates the holiday spirit as it existed when Latin wasn’t just something you slogged through to finish your prereqs.
Having barely survived the fight against the Collectors in the center of the Galaxy, Commander Shepherd and his ragtag crew of battle hardened shipmates return to council space just in time for the greatest challenge they’ve yet faced: Find a present for their loved ones before the shops close at 7 PM on December 24th.
ChristMass Effect, the second DLC pack bridging the gap between Mass Effect 2 and 3 ramps up the RPG aspects of the acclaimed series, as you navigate the treacherous avenues of the Galaxy’s largest shopping mall in search of the perfect gift. Are you the Harbinger of your Seasonal Destiny? Or will you be stuck working on some calibrations? Unlock new Biotic bargaining powers, be a Renegade or Paragon shopper, and discover valuable holiday bargains. Redeem them on XBLA!
Rock Band: Christmas Number Ones
Finally, an expansion pack that doesn’t force you to pretend you like Led Zepplin. You and your friends rock out to every single English Christmas number one pop song from 1975 to 2010 and if you’re lucky, become the newest band to reach this pinnacle of Anglophile musical success.
Phil Owen’s games
Alan Wakes Up On Christmas Morning
The last bit of Alan Wake DLC provides the happy ending we’ve been hoping for all along for our beleaguered author. OR DOES IT? Thomas Zane returns once again — this time as a snowman — everybody gets presents, and Alan gets to make out with that lady sheriff! OR DOES HE?
Tom Clancy’s Ghost of Christmas Past Advanced Warfighter
The Ghost of Christmas Past is f–king sick and tired of doing the emo bulls–t job Dickens set up for him so many years ago. He’s gone back to one too many super special previous Christmas, and he wants to give his marks a boot to the balls/a bullet to the brain while trying to make them stop being so Scrooge-y!
This year, the Ghost’s assigned target is none other than Osama bin Laden, and if he wants to take down the Boss Terrorist/teach him about the true meaning of Christmas, he’ll have to make use of all the futuristic tools we know and love in the Tom Clancy universe!
Just Cause 3: Just Clause (Sequel possibility — Just Clause 2: The Mrs. Clause)
While on assignment in the tiny island nation of Pinche Puta on Christmas Eve, Rico Rodriguez shoots Santa’s Sleigh right out of the sky! Long story short: Rico grows a great big bushy beard, and he must take on the most difficult spec ops assignment of his life: relocating Santa’s Workshop to Pinche Puta!
In the sequel, Rico learns of an obscure clause in his Santa contract that says he has to find a suitable Mrs. Clause within two years of becoming Santa or he’ll die! Rico has his eye on the sexy wife of the dictator of the tiny island nation Culo, and to win her heart he’ll have to infiltrate the island and murder her husband before his time runs out!
Call of Duty: World at War on Christmas
The libruhl media has stepped up its War on Christmas, and it’s up to Captain Price and Soap to take ‘em down! You may think they’ve seen everything in their battles with Zakhaev, Makarov and the evil General Shepherd, that’s nothing compared with what they’ll face on the streets of New York when they encounter the MSNBC Militia!
It’s Team Fortress but with snowballs and you play as various types of snowmen! And snowomen!
Final Fantasy XIII Except This Time It’s About Christmas or Something I Think
Square Enix makes the unprecedented move to remake their most recent single-player entry in the Final Fantasy franchise, but this time they hope to have the story make a little more sense by having the whole thing be a true Christmas adventure!
Join Christmas Snow, Christmas Lightning, Christmas Vanille, Christmas Hope, Christmas Sazh and Christmas Fang as they work to take down the evil Christmas Santa Clause Primarch Dysley! Level up your characters using the all-new Chistmasarium and experience thrilling combat in the Christmas Synergy Battle system! The journey across Christmas Cocoon and down to Christmas Pulse has never been more Christmasexciting!