Posted on May 20, 2011, Ross Lincoln May 21st PSA: 5 Video Games To Help You Survive The End Of The World
So you’ve probably heard the world is going to end on May 21st. That’s tomorrow! And we know, it’s a big scary thing the crazy people be taking about. But don’t sweat it because you’re reading Gamefront, and that means the chances are good you’ve spent the majority of your life honing the necessary skills you’ll need to make it through just about any Apocalypse you find yourself in.
Don’t believe us? Then read on. Here’s Gamefront’s 5 video games to help you survive the end of the world.
Apocalypse type: Hell on Earth.
The Situation: Now you’ve done it. While stationed on Mars, the science research facility you’re guarding accidentally opened up a literal portal to hell, and a metric ton of demons and assorted scary monsters have flown through the door. They’ve already killed nearly everyone on Mars and they’re licking their chops as the delicious morsels just one planet away, on Earth. Guess we better learn how to speak ‘hellish’ quickly because we’re going to be spending eternity in the stomach of some very ancient evil beings. Whoopsie!
Sounds scary, right? Luckily, Doom showed us all what an angry space marine and his squad can do to the legions of hell, and if you follow these steps, you will too:
1) Be a space marine. This is the most important part. If you think you might at any time be trapped in a hell on earth situation, it’s vital that you immediately sign up with the space military as soon as possible.
2) Know how to concentrate only on your hands and weaponry. Ignore your body, your feet, hell pretend that they only thing you’re even physically capable of seeing are your hands and weapons. This will keep you in fighting form.
3) Shoot demons.
4) Shoot demons again.
5) If you think you might be finished shooting demons, you’re not. Keep shooting them.
6) If possible, try to get The Rock on your team.
Feel good? Awesome, now let’s prepare for the next terrifying end-of-the-world scenario.
4) Fallout 3
Apocalypse type: Nuclear Holocaust.
The Situation: Oh my god. They finally, really did it, didn’t they. THOSE MANIACS! THEY BLEW IT UP! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL. That’s right folks, we’re talking about global thermonuclear war. At some point some angry country just decided to go for broke, hit the button and launch missiles at everyone they could. The result is a parched, radioactive wasteland full of mutants and dominated by roving bands of thugs and murderers. Strangely, people seem to be perfectly willing to repopulate bombed cities, like Washington DC, though most live in underground ‘vaults’ or shantytowns. Everywhere you go it looks like the world ended in 1955 and the remaining music shows it. Which is just fine because Dean Martin is a much better soundtrack to your slow death by radiation sickness than classic rock.
If you were lucky enough to be alive on the day after, you’re going to need some special skills to make it to your next irradiated birthday, and Fallout 3 is an excellent how-to.
1) Be born in an underground bunker or ‘vault’. This will prevent you from being exposed to radiation during your crucial growing-up years.
2) have Liam Neeson for a father. Not only is he an excellent actor, he also happens to be a brilliant scientist. You’ll need his help later when you need to purify the water supply.
3) Be willing to wander around for hours, maybe weeks sometimes, aimlessly exploring without any clear idea of what you’re doing.
4) Talk to everyone. 50% of the time they’ll need a favor or have something for sale.
5) Shoot anything mutated. Also, shoot anyone claiming to represent the legitimate government.
Follow these steps and you might find yourself at the head of a successful revolution. Until you get abducted by aliens, of course.
3) Left 4 Dead
Apocalypse Type: Zombie Apocalypse.
The Situation: You know how this works – Recently, and we’re not exactly sure how, the dead started rising from their graves. They mercilessly attack the living, eating their flesh and their delicious, delicious brains. And it gets worse: if they bite you, you’ll turn into one of them. This is basically the biggest lose-lose proposition since the cold war.
Left 4 Dead is a modern FPS classic not only for being ridiculously easy to play and super fun, but also for giving us the tools we need to save civilization from the onslaught of corpses with big appetites. The game recommends the following sensible steps to keep from being turned into ghoul chow.
1) Grab a gun.
2) Grab another gun.
3) Grab another gun.
4) Find a tattered band of battle-hardened survivors and join them.
5) Shoot anything moaning in the face. Aim for the head. Do not let anything bite you and kill anyone who’s been bitten.
Do not fail to follow each of these steps. If you do you will end up munching on brains before nightfall.
2) Mass Effect
Apocalypse Type: The Return Of Elder Gods (Version 2).
The Situation: It turns out that millions of years of evolution weren’t as random as we thought. At the edge of the Galaxy, sentient machines of unimaginable age and power have manipulated biological lifeforms for millenia, only to periodically wipe them out. Why? Because they need food, slaves, and Viagra. That’s right, these abominations use us as raw material in their reproductive process. There is no hope of reprieve: unless they are stopped every single living thing will be turned into space sperm.
Space alien god-rapists are kind of a drag, but the Mass Effect series has some surprising advice for sending them to back to the galactic hell from whence they came.
1) Get your hands on a really, really awesome space ship.
2) Crew it with a ragtag band of diverse, psychologically troubled loners looking for someone to lead them.
3) Hit on everyone you can.
4) Have sex with your chosen paramour just before you go into the final battle.
You might just escape conversion to literal astronomic baby batter if you follow these steps. Warning: you’ll probably end up disavowed by the government, killed, then brought back by a terrorist organization. But worth it.
1) Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
Apocalypse Type: The Return Of Elder Gods (Version 1).
The Situation: After sleeping for billions of years, the ancient gods have awoken and they’re really grumpy. Probably because at some point in the distant past they were bound, magically, to prevent them from turning everything into a nonstop insanity-provoking nightmare fuel. Now they’re all up in our shizz, manipulating history, winning converts and planning to enslave all mortals just as soon as they fight a little war amongst themselves to figure out alpha-god status.
Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem is a treasure trove of information for successfully navigating this most ancient of ancient threats. Follow these steps and you’ll be able to kick back in your aging, 18th century mansion safe in the knowledge that you managed to stop unpronounceable beings from hell. Good for BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH…
1) Be related to a world-renowned expert in occult lore.
2) Inherit his mansion.
3) Learn how to pronounce words like ‘Ch’turgga’, ‘Ullyoth’ and ‘Mantorock’.
5) Be able to travel through time by reading ancient diary entries.
IMPORTANT: Repeat at least 4 times to make sure you kill all the ancient gods.
If you pull this off, you’ll probably just end up handing everything over to the one Elder God who doesn’t want to kill all humans, but at least you woBLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.