Congratulations, Konami, on Finally Pissing All Over Silent Hill!

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Published by Jim Sterling 7 years ago , last updated 1 month ago

(This is another edition of , a weekly opinion piece column on GameFront. Check back every week for more. The opinions expressed are those of the author, and do not reflect those of GameFront.)

I’d like to personally congratulate Konami on completing a goal it seemingly set out to accomplish several years ago. It has finally shat on the last clean piece of the Silent Hill legacy with its Silent Hill HD Collection. Truly, this is a marvel to behold, and proof that when Konami sets out to f**k something up, it makes sure to do a good job!

Personally, I thought it was almost impossible to ruin Silent Hill 2, which happens to be my favorite game of all time, but I was very wrong. Impressively, Konami has been able to take the best survival horror game ever made and render it almost unbearable to play thanks to the new voice actors found in the HD Collection. These are the kind of actors you’d find voicing PlayStation One games. Yes, I know we all thought they’d died out in the great “Shitty Voice Actor Fire of 2002,” but it seems Konami kept these amazing talents a secret, just for this very special occasion.

It’s not like the original Silent Hill 2 voice actors were good, but that’s where I truly give Konami the credit for its effort — the fact it was able to find voice actors even worse in order to ensure that nobody would like the HD remaster is absolutely astounding, and worthy of a standing ovation. The sheer commitment it must have taken to find a voice actor for Eddie as f**king shitty as the new guy leaves me at a loss for words. I can’t help but admire the herculean task that the publisher has undertaken this day. As for Maria, who happened to be very competently voiced in Silent Hill 2, I’m awestruck at how they took that one positive element and transformed the character into an overly slutty, unsubtle parody rather than the insidious, more intriguing character that she was. Truly a masterwork in the ruination of a classic!

I’d have gladly defended the new voice actors if they were better than the originals in any way, but Konami has gone to extraordinary lengths to make sure that nobody can fight in their corner. Ladies and gentlemen, not even the most devilish of devil’s advocates could defend this move! It’s so perfect that I refuse to think it wasn’t done on purpose. That Konami – they’re always one step ahead.

Of course, this whole thing is made easier thanks to allegations that Konami was too f**king cheap to pay the original voice actors their royalties. It was probably less challenging to find shittier voice actors when you’re hiring the ones who are willing to be paid peanuts. In fact, I’ve not it ruled out that peanuts were the actual currency used, and that a bunch of moderately skilled chimps are lending their vocal talents to the game.

Silent Hill HD Collection is the culmination of an effort by Konami to completely trash what was once the king of survival horror. With Silent Hill: Homecoming being a load of old shit and Silent Hill: Shattered Memories little more than a waggle-fueled farce which failed to be scary due to the fact that any threat came from pre-planned “RUN AWAY FROM THE PENISES” segments, it’s been clear for some time that Konami wouldn’t be satisfied until it had undermined everything to do with the franchise. Silent Hill 2 stood as a classic and seemed fairly untouchable, but anybody who thought so would have gravely underestimated the company’s resolve. Their grit and determination led to a total victory.

So congratulations, Konami, on pissing all over Silent Hill with the efficiency and completion of a well-oiled fascist machine. You left no stone unturned, and no shit left unshat. You are a true … patriot.

Do you agree with Jim? Are the new voices worse? Before you answer that, you should probably watch this comparison.

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