Posted on December 12, 2008, Jonathan The Top 6 Fat Bastards of Gaming
Video games are full of colorful characters from speedy blue hedgehogs to scientists who know their way around a rocket launcher. That doesn’t mean games are without their stereotypes though, and I’m not talking about the fact that every gritty shooter needs at least one black soldier ready to blast some hip-hop music at any given opportunity. No, I’m talking about the overweight individuals who packed on a few pounds and then decided that was reason enough to get in everyone’s way somehow. When it comes to those portly video game characters that aren’t plumbers sporting red overalls, most of them just tend to be plain old bastards. Here are six of the biggest fat bastards in gaming that I could think of.
6) Wart (Super Mario Bros. 2)
Wart’s gastrointestinal fortitude is especially ridiculous when you consider his situation. The man (er, frog) lives in an obstacle course world full of vegetables. He is quite literally surrounded by health food and exercise equipment, but somehow he managed to maintain a bulge that he displays proudly through an open robe. It takes a special amount of effort and creativity to reach that size when there’s nothing unhealthy in sight. The only source of meat I could see in that whole world was maybe the Snifits, so he must’ve been gobbling those guys up like popcorn. Plus, he’s the final boss in the game, who fights you by vomiting his last meal all over you. Besides which, he basically enslaved a whole race of little fairy people. That’s like walking into a kindergarten and declaring yourself king. Even Bowser just stuck to simple princess nabbing.
5) E. Honda (Street Fighter series)
E. Honda is a sumo wrestler, so his girth can be excused as part of his profession. Still, there’s one aspect of his fighting style that secures him squarely as a bastard.
I remember being a young boy and sitting down with some of my friends to play a round of Street Fighter II. All was going well as we pummeled each other using different characters, as all healthy young minds tend to do. Then someone decided to play as E. Honda, and we all watched in horror as the man proceeded to grab Chun-Li and repeatedly hump her, grunting in satisfaction as he did so.
As it happened, this turn out to be the finishing blow, so once E. Honda was “finished,” he released her, stood above her comatose body, and raised his arms in victory. Even as young children, something about this seemed, well, wrong.
Maybe all he was doing was giving his opponent some very enthusiastic hugs, but that still translates as two sprites bumping together in rhythm, which is a hard visual to pass off as innocent. Besides which, if part of your repertoire as a fighter is to pick up your opponent and thrust them into your torso several times, then you seriously need to re-examine your life.
4) Bo’ Rai Cho (Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance)
Bo’ Rai Cho didn’t show up in Mortal Kombat continuity until Deadly Alliance, but he has apparently trained many of the series more famous characters, like Liu Kang and Kung Lao. Given his skillset though, you have to wonder just what those training sessions were really like.
E. Honda had one humiliating move to use against his opponents. Bo’ Rai Cho had two: the “Puke Puddle” and the “Flaming Fart” fatality, both of which were pretty self-explanatory. Using his mighty “Puke Puddle” move, Bo’ Rai Cho would projectile vomit all over the floor in front of him, leaving a wet spot for his opponents to slip on.
I guess you have to commend him for incorporating bulimia into a fighting style. And then there’s the “Flaming Fart” fatality, where he reduces an opponent to charred remains by igniting his flatulence — lending even more credence to my theory that this character was developed by some Midway exec’s 12 year-old son. It’s not enough that he just beat a man half to death; he still has to rub it in by literally delivering the final blow out his back door. That is one skilled bastard.
3) Dr. Light (Mega Man series)
Dr. Light is one of the most wholesome good guys in the history of gaming. With a name like that, you pretty much have to be. Because of his robotic creations, he’s basically responsible for the peaceful utopia that the Mega Man games take place in (until Dr. Wily comes in to mess everything up, that is). And to top it all off, he looks like Santa Claus in a lab coat. But look closer, and you’ll find at least a couple reasons that this jolly old man is actually quite the bastard.
Sure, he’s the first to respond when some robots with bizarre skills start tearing up the town, but what’s his typical game plan? Send the little kid robot out to take care of it. Yes that robot is Mega Man, who comes armed with a Megabuster and the ability to copy other robots’ weapons, but is that still the best he can come up with in a time of crisis? He created an entire civilization of intelligent robots, but he can’t conjure up a mechanical T-Rex with a rocket launcher or something? And besides that, he always teleports Mega Man to an area where he has to fight through hordes of enemies just to reach the main boss controlling them all. Couldn’t he save everyone a lot of trouble by just teleporting Mega Man to the robot master’s front door, seeing as people are dying by the minute and all?
Image via VGCats
Say what you want about his rival, Dr. Wily, but at least that guy ate healthy and threw everything he had into his endeavors (even if his plans usually involved world domination).
Oh yeah, and Dr. Light’s creations eventually lead to the end of humanity. Did you ever wonder why there were no human characters in the Mega Man X series? Probably because the robots eventually took over and replaced the human race entirely. I’m sure the calculation in their CPUs went something like this: ROBOTS MUST END WAR. HUMANS CAUSE WAR. ROBOTS MUST END HUMANS. Hey, thanks for causing the apocalypse, Dr. Light!
2) Every Single King You Rescue (Super Mario Bros. 3)
Those kings always bugged me. For one, I knew from the start that I wasn’t really out to save them; I was out to save the Princess (which also begs the question, just which one of them was her real father?). For another, they never really seemed grateful enough to me, even though I’d single-handedly rid their kingdom of enemies, taken down an airship with nothing more than boots and a moustache, and transformed them back to human form. After all that, their only response was really, “Oh, thank you. Here’s your mail. Now begone!” Then they’d usher you out the door to continue on your quest to save Princess Peach and that was that.
This always left me thinking, Huh? You’re ruler of a whole nation! Sure that nation may be made up of snow or giants, but you can’t spare maybe a mushroom for me to save your own freakin’ daughter? Bastards. I should’ve just left you as a dog and taken the whole kingdom for myself.
1) Rufus (Street Fighter IV)
To be honest, Rufus was the inspiration for this list, and that may have something to with the fact that he’s the one video game character who most resembles Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers films. It should probably be no surprise then that he tops all the other fat bastards before him. Look at him. I mean, just look at him and try to imagine what sort of life decisions could have led a man to don a tight, yellow suit, shave his hair into a single braided ponytail, and take up street fighting as a profession. It’s even more absurd when you find out that his backstory involves him seriously declaring himself the greatest American fighter and taking on Ken as a rival, all presumably for poops ‘n’ giggles.
All these reasons more than earn Rufus a spot on this list, but there’s one little detail that shoots him straight up to number one. Two words: “crotch fuzz.”
Seriously, what else could that be creeping up from his belt line? It would be disturbing enough for him to have this on display, but did he actually style it into an arrow? So it’s not just a matter or him forgetting to zip up his plus-sized suit; he really just wants to show off what he’s got growing down there. Thanks, Rufus. You’ve brought unnecessary pubic foliage to our gaming consoles — or you will soon — and for that, you are one helluva fat bastard.