Posted on June 17, 2007, William Guide On How To Keep A Girl For Gamers
Sometimes gamer guys spend too much time studying game strategies and forget how to keep their girlfriends. I was browsing through bulletins on Myspace and came across this helpful list on how to keep a girl. It was posted by a fellow gamer, so of course it’s a completely truthful list. If you guys go out there and actually attempt anything on this list, we are not responsible for the results. This is strictly for entertainment purposes and the actions should only be attempted by professionals like myself. I realize this isn’t big gaming news, but it’s Sunday and sometimes I just like to have fun with articles on slow weekends. If she happens to be a total psycho, then some of these things may actually work. If anyone ever needs advice on psycho girlfriends, I’m the guy to come to. The great list follows the break.
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.”
This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If
she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then
when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words “**** you” and grab the other
girl’s ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you’re
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she
starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”
9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick.” Women love those
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her your jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say
“if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now, you’re going to be
bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she’ll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn’t girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes
home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.
17. Every time you’re in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings
or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This
way, she’ll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order, interrupt
and say “no, she’s not hungry.” Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I’m talking
21. When it’s raining, keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say
“no, it’s just the rain.” Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at
her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her that
material objects arent important. The only thing that’s important is
that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she
can ever get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one
that much, but guys think it’s funny.
26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will
make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you’re
going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Don’t