There’s no doubt in my mind that, one day, Hollywood will eventually remember Gremlins was a thing and greenlight the inevitable reboot. It’s one of the few awesome films from good decades that hasn’t yet been exhumed, exploited, and ultimately ravaged by an industry too terrified to fund anything that the audience can’t immediately recognize. When that day comes, Gremlins will be ruined forever — we’ll forget the excellently dark original film and the ludicrous cartoon silliness of its sequel, The New Batch. Seriously, that is scientifically what will happen. That’s why the game industry has to move fast and make a new damn videogame before the series loses its credibility.
Despite a premise that practically begs to be a videogame, there have been surprisingly few games based on the adventures of Gizmo and the violently mischievous creatures he invariably ends up spawning. To my knowledge, we’ve got Gremlins on the Atari 2600, and Gremlins 2: The New Batch on the NES. Since 1990, we’ve gone without a videogame based on the license. We’ve had a ton of Aliens games, and they’re even doing a new one for Child’s Play, but no Gremlins for over twenty years. Not a sniff. This is a crime, and it needs to be resolved by somebody fast.
Whether you’re playing as Gizmo himself or a human victim, the possibilities for a new game based on Joe Dante’s movies are limitless. It can be open world, set in a city overrun by the scaly monsters, or it can be in a more restricted place like the Clamp building from the sequel. It can be scary or funny, possibly both, and the over-the-top scenarios the titular Gremlins find themselves in work great for providing all manner of interactive challenges and inventive boss fights. What matters most is that there is a new game, because it’s fucking Gremlins, and we don’t have much time before Hollywood remembers it. In fact, just mentioning its name could up the chances, so I’m taking a damn big risk bringing this very article to you.
Who will make the game? I’m glad you fucking asked! Well, Gremlins is a Warner Bros. film, and Warner Bros. has its own game publishing wing. It also works with the current champion of excellent licensed videogames, Rocksteady Studios. Rocksteady’s work in bringing not one, but two brilliant Batman games to the world is pretty freakin’ heroic, and if I were to trust a developer with any licensed product, it’d be those guys. The morbid-yet-comic style of the Gremlins world is right up Rocksteady’s alley, too, and I can definitely see it taking the world it created with Arkham City and giving the foundation a nice Gremlin-flavored flair. In fact, it makes so much sense that any other human being who has not had the exact same thought sooner is actually an idiot. Including me. We’re all fucking stupid for not having come up with this, and Warner Bros. will be the dumbest sheep in the … sheep … home … if it doesn’t move on this fantastic opportunity that I am personally handing to it. Because this was all my idea and I won’t even ask for money.
Man, that Gremlins 2 NES game was pretty rad, too. Okay, it didn’t make any kind of logical sense whatsoever, with Gizmo fighting killer tomatoes, and buying items from the old Chinese store owner who had already died by that point but now inexplicably ran small shops behind doors leading to nowhere, but … but holy crap that man was dead. What the fuck was he doing there? His death was the entire reason Gizmo got kidnapped by those two guys from Terminator 2 and brought to the Clamp building in the first place. Either he’s a ghost, which is almost more intriguing as a story than the Gremlins themselves, or he pretended to be dead for seemingly no other reason than to fuck with Gizmo — in which case, he sacrificed his own store out of petty malice. What a cock!
And why the fuck is he Dumbledore now? This game makes no sense.
But it was still pretty cool. It used the premise of the movie pretty well, having some neat boss fights against the Electric Gremlin and Spider Mohawk. It had a damn rad soundtrack, too. Now, I know that absolutely none of this can be used as proof that a Gremlins game would be successful (creatively or commercially) in the modern videogame market, but look at this this way — maybe it does! I knew you’d see things my way eventually.
The game industry is almost as creatively bankrupt as Hollywood at the moment, but unlike movies, we seem to like it when old movies get rebooted as games. Maybe the crossing over into another medium somehow makes it feel less “official” and therefore far more acceptable. Hell, even with Aliens: Colonial Marines being billed as the sequel to Aliens, I don’t know how many fans are buying it based on that premise alone. In any case, a Gremlins move reboot would likely be a load of awful shit, while a videogame could get us all excited. I think we’re all ready for some more Gremlins, and with videogame publishers desperate for new content that isn’t so new it’s scary, we’ve got this excellent property sitting idle. Let’s make it happen. Come on.
I’m still waiting.
(P.S. not for Kinect!)
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