Posted on May 3, 2011, Ross Lincoln 10 Video Game Characters Who Would Make The Worst Roommates Ever
Video Game Characters are just like regular people. They have friends, possessions, jobs and most importantly, the need to have a roof over their heads. But not everyone gets to be Simon Belmont with your own castle or Samus Aran with your own space ship. Sometimes, even people chosen to save the Galaxy need to split the cost of cable with someone. That’s where you come in. You have an extra room, you need to fill it fast and the protagonist of Mass Effect has just responded to your Craig’s List ad. Should you accept?
Think about the worst roommate you’ve ever had. Lying. Lazy. Maybe neurotic. Truth is, most awful roommates are simply annoying. Now imagine them with a private army, a tragic backstory, supernatural powers, ruthless enemies or an inability to use his inside voice without killing people. The world of video games is full of people like that. Sure, they give us hours and hours of entertainment, but you would never, ever want to live with any of them.
Don’t believe us? Here are 10 Video Game Characters who’d make the worst roommates ever.
1) Grayson Hunt from Bulletstorm
Most likely to live with: Right after military discharge.
Average time lived with: 6 months.
Long-term effects: Social pariah.
You know that one guy who is just so awesome and hilarious and will do anything for you and is just so awesome? That’s Grayson Hunt, the life of the party and a hell of a guy to have on your side when the chips are down. You served together in special forces under General Serrano, wiping out ‘rogue’ operatives in Central America, overthrowing ‘uncooperative’ governments, generally living it up on the government’s dime for 4 years. He’s good with guns, swears like he invented it and has incredible toys like a remote control dinosaur. God damn what a cool guy. Now that you’re civilians again, it just makes sense to get a crib together.
Unfortunately, Hunt’s an alkie rageaholic who drinks his entire paycheck, then goes through your booze when you’re at work. Sure, he’ll make the rent on time, barely, but he does inconvenient things like shout ‘WHAT THE DICK?!?’ at an insufficiently friendly bartender, and then expects you to back him up when he starts a fight with the bouncer. He’s a gun-nut who insists on showing off his laser whip and shotgun tricks at parties. And it really creeps people out when he accidentally tears someone’s head off and shouts ALL MUST RECOGNIZE DEAD ECHO SKILLS while everyone else is sobbing from the trauma.
You won’t get a single date as long as you live together. On the plus side, he will never, ever betray you. He’s someone you’ll be friends with forever. And he gives the world’s greatest apologies. They’ll come in handy when he has to break the lease due to being arrested and sentenced to 6 months in minimum security.
2) Daxter from Jak and Daxter
Most likely to live with: Freshman Year Of College – Dormitory
Average time lived with: 2 semesters
Long-term effects: He will assume you’re friends for the next 20 years.
Don’t let his furry appearance fool you. Daxter is the wise-cracking, fun loving party guy from the Midwest you inevitably room with your first semester of college. Because you don’t know anyone else, you end up spending all your time together, going on adventures and generally having a ton of fun. You might even establish a fun rivalry with the robot and Lombax who live across the hall.
Unfortunately, Daxter’s filled with deep insecurities. He’s never lived away from home before, but also he used to be human but he’s been turned into a… furry… thing. Now he’s shorter than you by at least 2 feet, and knows it. Worse, while he used to be a big deal in his home town, now he’s been totally overshadowed by his younger brother who makes a living as an adventuring fortune hunter. He overcompensates for his insecurities by telling snarky jokes at every waking moment, no matter how appropriate. In calls. At funerals. In the middle of a battle to prevent the precusor legacy from being destroyed by Lurkers.
Sure, he means well, but he just isn’t very funny. He’s also kind of emo-gothy and when he gets sad he dresses in all purple and black, unloading his every personal problem to every girl he meets. He’s not a bad guy at all, but as long as you live together you will find yourself taking care of him instead of hooking up with that hot girl from across the hall whose rich Uncle might otherwise hook you up with a sweet paid internship.
For some reason, when he hops on your back you can jump in mid air, but you’ll still come up with a face-saving reason for not rooming with him when you get an off-campus apartment your sophomore year. Just try not to notice when he bursts into tears.
3) M. Bison from Street Fighter II
Most likely to live with: Sophomore or Junior year of college.
Average time lived with: no longer than 6 months.
Long-term effects: -300 to your credit rating; concussion from knockout punch.
M. Bison is the kind of elitist prick you agree to move in with because he has a Plasma TV and his own fridge. He’s rich, spoiled, wears ridiculous clothes and will never suffer any financial or criminal penalty for his constant cock-ups because, as the dictator of a small narco-state, he has diplomatic immunity. He’s always picking fights with all of your friends: except, of course, for the ones he won’t stop hitting on. Those he tries to force into his room every time you throw a party.
He won’t touch drugs but he knows every drug dealer in town and invites them over after late night strip club junkets. Sure, he unites everyone in the apartment against him, but he fights dirty. That one time you and the Chinese kickboxing journalism major actually stood up to him, he unloaded something called Psycho Power on you and the issue of who’s turn it is to do dishes was settled permanently. Adding insult to injury, he’s an exceptionally charismatic bully with pristine social connections; unless you film every interaction, everyone will ‘know’ it was your fault you lost the sweet apartment and no one will want to room with you.
Worst of all? Try to get your money back. Just try:
‘The day M Bison failed to give you the rent on time caused you to move back in with your parents! But for me? It was Tuesday!”
6 months after he moves in, you’ll be begging the landlord to let you get the last of your stuff while he relocates to a luxury suite just off campus.
4) Lance Vance from GTA: Vice City
Most likely to live with: Immediately after M. Bison gets you kicked out.
Average time lived with: 1 month.
Long-term effects: Loss of your CD collection.
You had to move in with Lance Vance under duress, and that made you ‘streamline’ your normal vetting process. Thanks a lot, Craig’s List. At first he seemed cool: decent fashion sense, likes Hall & Oates and knows every line of dialogue in Scarface. He’s also the king of not telling you important stuff you need to know until you can’t benefit from it. Like the fact that he’s really, really whiny and does a lot of drugs. And that he’s secretly working his own angle with Sonny Forelli.
‘Don’t complain about how clean my space is, Tommy. My brother used to complain about that. I’m tired of being treated like the incompetent little brother!’
Yeah, Lance has younger brother syndrome. His brother was killed just before you moved in, and Lance is constantly whining about how mean he was, when he isn’t vowing to get even. Worse, he’s the ultimate cockblocker. You meet a cute girl in front of him? He’ll mention how they call you the Harwood Butcher back in Liberty City. Ask him to be a job reference? He’ll accidentally let slip how you helped Avery Carrington corner the real estate market back in the 80s. He also appears to be in love with you, insisting you call him Lance Vance Dance despite the fact that, well, ew. Ultimately, he’ll pawn your record collection to pay for cocaine, then run up $500 in long distance phone fees just before moving out abruptly. Don’t bother asking: you’ll never get your money back.
5) Lieutenant General Shepherd from Call of Duty:Modern Warfare 2
Most likely to live with: During your summer semester abroad.
Average time lived with: 2 months.
Long-term effects: You won’t learn German.
Lieutenant General Shepherd has big dreams. Big. He transferred to West Point from Oral Roberts University, which explains why he’s extremely obsessed with jingoistic patriotism and the end of the world but you’ll meet him during your study abroad attempt to learn German via the immersion method. It seems your university has a sister school program so you end up sharing bunks in a München boarding house. At first, he seems alright. He’s strict and kind of quirky but he’s stand-up guy, at least in the sense that you don’t have to lock your things up when you take a shower.
Gradually, the dark side is revealed. He’s a religious fundamentalist. He’s incredibly nosy, lecturing you about the Russian comics you purchase, the movies you see and even the clothes you wear. He insists on praying before every meal and if you mention you don’t share his religion, he pretends to respect your beliefs but shoves Chick tracts into your pillowcase while you sleep. He’ll also demand you don’t bring likely companions back to your room. You’ll respect his wishes but that’s not good enough, because if you fail to come home he’ll report you to your landlord (an elderly Baverian woman who has really old school opinions on how her tenants should act).
Eventually, it is revealed that he was the landlord all along, and the whole thing has been a secret plan to infiltrate a Russo-Afghan boarding house down the street and set himself up as the only boarding house owner in the neighborhood. Instead of the Bacchanalian freak-out you thought your trip to Europe would be, you get caught up in a merchant war and eventually he’s even trying to sue you out of existence. You’ll escape his clutches via arbitration and return to the states virginal, and monolingual.
6) Male Commander Shepherd from Mass Effect
Most likely to live with: Immediately after you graduate college (B.A. only).
Average time lived with: 1-2 years
Long-term effects: An aversion to male roommates; inability to hug; fear of windows.
Male Commander Shepherd is great, at first. Your first real-world roommate with a professional job and everything, he comes off like a combination of Dr. Phil, Oprah and The Most Sensitive Man In The World. He’s prompt with the rent, seems to know when to say something comforting, won’t BS you, has minimal possessions and is such a workaholic he’s almost never around. Win win!
But it won’t last. His tendency to deliver awkward inspirational speeches devoid of contextual details seems like a funny quirk at first, but when he starts solemnly intoning ‘Not One More!’ when you’re mopping, you’ll wish you were deaf. And don’t even think about his awkward sentence constructions. “I’m tired of your disingenuous assertions” doesn’t make sense no matter how often you repeat it, especially since he said it in response to your opinion of his student film.
He’s also suffering from a severe case of undiagnosed bipolar disorder. One moment he’s giving you a reassuring hug, the next he pushes you out a window without so much as an explanation, other than creepily saying ‘how about goodbye’. He will also literally sleep with anything. You. Your girlfriend. Your racist platoon member whose grandfather was a disgraced general. If you put a wig on an aibo he’d probably have a passionate love scene with it. No standards at all.
The only silver lining is that he ends up taking a job overseas and is reported dead. Sure, he ends up having survived but you can pretend you never heard about it and move on with your life.
7) Max Payne
Most likely to live with: During grad school.
Average time lived with: One year.
Long-term effects: Inability to enjoy Good Vibration by Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch.
Max has every Quentin Tarantino film on Blu Ray, he has cool hobbies like hanging out at the gun range, illegal street racing and Kung Fu. He even drives a cool car and doesn’t mind giving you rides to school, or the grocery store. But he gets old fast. First, there’s his horrible facial tic – he squints constantly and his mouth is frozen in a smirk. Second, he’s studying criminal science planning to become a DEA agent and he takes it really, really seriously. He throws out your aspirin. He accuses you of bootlegging if you bring booze home. He even interrogates your parents when they call, accusing them of working for a local Mafia underboss.
He is also obsessed with Norse Mythology and names everything after it. His car is called Thor. He refers to steroid-taking athletes as ‘Valkries’ and refers to anyone he considers an enemy as ‘Aesir.’ You’ll put up with it for longer than you should because as a TA, you don’t make jack, but when he starts watching Mark Wahlberg movies constantly, demanding that you quote them accurately, you’ll consider street walking as a viable alternative.
8 ) Isabela from Dragon Age 2
Most likely to live with: When you share a huge house with 4 other people.
Average time lived with: Until the end of your current lease.
Long-term effects: You’ll never live with roommates again; Patchouli allergy.
For the first 6 months or so, Isabella is the best roommate ever. She found the huge house you’re living in and knows everyone in town. And that’s no surprise since she’s done it all: only 25 years old, she’s already a widow; she used to own a boat; she hung out with a crazy biker gang called Qunari; she has 30 books on the history of dueling. Not only is she laid back, easy going and prompt with the rent and the bills money, she’s also a total libertine who has zero hang-ups. Loves scotch, goes dancing all the time, and she’s 100% down with FWB situations.
She’s also lives the Burning Man lifestyle full time. This means building an installation piece at 5 AM. Or inviting her entire crew over for post-festival drum circles during Mad Men. She doesn’t understand that patchouli isn’t a substitute for showering and you will lose your sense of smell for years. And she has a problem putting things into the recycling bin that shouldn’t be recycled, like spiders, or endless photocopies of the same room.
It’s also worth noting that she has exceptionally poor communication skills, so she won’t clue you into the fact that she’s totally in love with you; the fact that she’s also hooking up with your friend Sarah kind of obfuscates that. Then one day, you’ll ask her to stop waking you up with the drum circle and she’ll snap “I didn’t do it for them! I did it for you! It was always about you!”, leaving you to wonder why the hell this is the first you’ve heard of it. This is, of course, if she doesn’t suddenly freeze up, forcing you to restart the conversation again and again until she finally talks to you.
Chances are she’ll storm out on you before you can patch things up, but gypsy head-scarves will make you break out into a cold-sweat for years to come.
9) Sam Fisher from Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell
Most likely to live with: As a favor; you know him from work.
Average time lived with: 2 weeks to 3 months.
Long-term effects: Avoiding the Internet at all costs.
Sam Fisher is a hard guy to hold anything against. A patriot who actually served in the real military, he did more before age 19 than you did by your 30th birthday. He fought terrorists, rescued government officials, even evaded a shadowy government conspiracy. Hell, before he moved in with you, he was in Pakistan on May 1, 2011 and he’s got a rather impressive coroner photo on his bedroom wall. He is patriotic, brave and generally the most stand-up guy you’ll ever meet. Plus, he kind of looks like Kris Kristofferson.
But boy did his exploits frack him up. He can’t cry. He can’t sleep. He refuses to seek help for his problems. And his enemies are everywhere and seeking to kill him at all times. He moved in with you because his wife had enough of his wild mood swings and kicked him out. Now he’s an obsessive Men’s Rights Advocate jerk who spends all of his time reading conspiracy theories on the Internet, and Tom Clancy Novels.
You won’t be able to pin his beliefs down because his politics are all over the map. One week he’s angry about drug-related corruption in the government, the next he’s convinced his daughter is in danger, the week after that he’s frustrated that terrorism isn’t taken seriously. He’s as likely to vote for Lyndon LaRouche as he is to suggest forming your own militia. He believes the moon landing was faked, the USSR lied about its demise and that the government uses fluoride and FEMA to mind-control American citizens.
The bright side: He would find that birth certificate for himself, and he wouldn’t even consider voting for the Donald. Too bad there is also a 50% chance you’ll be killed via sniper-headshot at 3 AM while a creepy sign that says “Achievement Unlocked: Splinter Cell: Eviction!” floats above your corpse.
10) An Xbox 360 Avatar
Most likely to live with: In a European Hostel.
Average time lived with: Inexplicably, the entirety of your vacation.
Long-term effects: Loss of innocence about profanities.
Call it Sexycat420, lustgrape12 or simply Coolguyextreme, there one thing the Xbox 360 Avatar is consistent about is that it is completely inaccurate about anything related to its creator. You think you know him or her, think again. That adult might be an angry 12 year old. Or maybe a married, middle aged mom. They will never tell you anything accurate which is why, the summer you spend backpacking across Europe, they will make your life a living hell.
First, they’re always butting into your business. Enjoying a game of solitaire? lustgrape12 has requested to join your game. Ignoring them just to get some sleep? Sexycat420 has yelled from across the room “YO WHAT’S YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO WE CAN KEEP IN TOUCH!” They comment on everything you do no matter how trivial: ‘Wow you really love museums dood.’; ‘Wow you really love fish and chips dood.’; ‘Wow you really love RPGs dood.’ And it turns out they’re doing the same tour you are. No matter where you go, what you’re doing, they’re there to share a room with you.
And get a load of the mouth on this guy. You’re probably used to solving roommate disputes with conversations. Welcome to the world of getting called every racist or homophobic epithet under the sun, only tweet style. A typical conversation is as follows:
You: Could you please not leave your backpack on my-?
Them: LOL F*****g F****T! F*** you!
You: Hey that’s really hurtfu-
Them: HAHAH Qu***. Eat Sh*t [racist epithet] *ssh*l*! I f****d your mom! LOL!
You: Now come on! Surely we can discuss this like-
Them:PWNED! N00B! F**!
But when it turns out this ’23 year old college student’ is actually a teenage runaway, you’ll find yourself begging for a way out. Too bad they will never go away because XBLA isn’t vulnerable like PSN. Your only alternative is to cut your trip short and
logoff fly home.