Posted on September 20, 2010, Ross Lincoln Zombie Cow’s “Privates” Won’t Be Exposed On XBLA
“typical XBL user, that probably made a lot of sense. Unfortunately for them, Microsoft either found the game’s content and title objectionable, or they simply could not allocate the neccessary bandwidth to handle the onslaught of tired, obvious sex puns this game seems designed to foster; “Privates” won’t be available on XBLA.
In “Privates”, the player commands a squad of tiny… organisms as they fight through what can only be described as the hostile, battle scarred landscape of a woman’s reproductive system and/or erogenous zones. It’s hard to tell if it’s goofing-on-sex-for-lolz, or a poorly disguised disgusted-outright-by-girls screed. Here’s the actual description, which doesn’t help clarify things:
It’s all pleasant-feeling and squishy and tingly and what-have-you. Trouble is, if you’re not careful about how you go about it, you can catch some pretty unpleasant infections off people, which can make your bits ooze an unpleasantly smelly discharge, or can completely screw up your insides. Delightful!”
Mmmmm, guys, I think Ur Doin’ It Rong. Literally.
But in all seriousness, this does have some rather charming graphics, and if it isn’t as creepily grossed-out-by-girls as it looks, (big if), it might be fun. On the XBLA rejection, Zombie Cow’s Dan Marshall says “It’s a shame, but it’s something we’d always pretty much assumed would happen”, and undeterred, they’ve made it available for free PC download. You can get it from their official site. Probably not for everyone – but if you’re still abiding by that abstinence pledge, or just feel like switching your mind back into freak mode in the silliest possible way, maybe “Privates” will
scratch that itch rub you the right way push your buttons remind you of sex.
Oh, screw it. Here’s the trailer.